Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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