Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
