no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
