I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
