Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
