last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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