please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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