my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
