at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize