OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
