I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
this will be a night to untag.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
