There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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