I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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