Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
