Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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