If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
