Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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