I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
