We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
