and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
