I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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