I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
