sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
