So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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