I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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