I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize