Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize