You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
