Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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