Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
