i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
