If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
