it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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