dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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