At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
did i walk over a car last night?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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