I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
