I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
