I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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