I CAN MOONWALK!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
