There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
