I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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