this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
