the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
