need another drink. this is the easiest way
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
