got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
