Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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