i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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