I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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