no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
