so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize