last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
