1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
