I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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