Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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