So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
