somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im having a threesome with these popsicles
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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