This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
