Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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