Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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