Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
