Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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