This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
