i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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