Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
