I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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